(April Fools) TOP TEN TEARS: 10 CARDS THAT MAKE YOUR OPPONENT WISH THEY WERE DEAD (OR PLAYING CRITFIGHT SACKGUARD)

(Editor’s note: swearing ahead. I knew this was a bad idea.)

WOW WHAT THE FUCK LOSERS WHAT AM I DOING HERE? WHERE AM I? WHERE IS MY MIND? WHERE HAVE I BEEN ALL THIS TIME? TRUTH BE TOLD I LOST MY LOG-IN TO MY REAL BLOG AND OUT OF SHEER LAZINESS AND INABILITY TO ANSWER SECURITY CODES, HERE I AM, BEGGING THE GREAT LYCHEEPUNNET TO SMILE DOWN UPON ME AND MY POOR HELPLESS ASS. HE HAS AGREED TO LET ME HOST AN EXCLUSIVE SERIES HERE ON HIS LOWLY BLOG TOP TIER TEARS. THIS WORKS WELL FOR HIM BECAUSE THEN HE GETS REAL FUCKING QUALITY CONTENT, THAT UNCUT COLUMBIAN SHIT, AND I GET AN OUTLET AND NEW AUDIENCES. (HE ALSO GETS PAID $60 AN ARTICLE CAUSE IM DESPERATE AT THIS POINT AND DONT WANNA USE LIVE JOURNAL).

ANYWAYS THATS ENOUGH EXPOSITION AND SHIT LETS GET TO THE DIRTY, TODAY WERE GONNA TALK ABOUT SOMETHING THATS REALLY UNCOOL, SUICIDE. WHY WOULD I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT THAT? IM A CIVIL AND SIMPLE MAN WHO LIKES CHEAP BEER AND LOOSE SLOTS (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN) BUT MY SUPRESSED HIGH SCHOOL TUMBLRINA IS BUDDING ITS UGLY HEAD AGAIN SO I HAVE BEEN PUTTING THOUGHT INTO SHIT. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP SOCIETY WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE A PREACHY SJW? WELL MY GOAL HERE IN MY EDUCATIONAL BLOG OF HORRORS IS TO SPREAD AWARENESS ON STUFF THAT MAKES PEOPLE SUICIDAL. HOPEFULLY BY THE END OF THIS POST, YOU WILL STOP TRIGGERING PEOPLE LIKE AN INCONSIDERATE FUCKWAD (OR USE THIS TO BE A DICK AND MAKE UR GREATEST FOES KILL THEMSELVES).

#10 I JUST WANNA HEAL

klk-s27-046

pictured: how to define a meta

I DUNNO HOW MANY OF YOU DUDES LIKE TO HEAL (I KNOW I DO BUT MAYBE IM JUST AN OLD FOGEY). SOME SAY THE DEATH OF HEALSPAM WAS MUSASHI, OR CLOCK KICKS, OR CLOCK KICKING MUSASHI ON REVERSE BURN 4 THREE SEPERATE TIMES THAT RESTAND. IF YOU ASK ME ( AND YOU SHOULD CAUSE I HAVE A USELESS COLLEGE DEGREE AND AN OK RECORD AT MY LOCALS) ANTI-HEAL IS THE TRUE DEATH OF HEALERS. LONG GONE ARE THE DAYS OF CAREFULLY CRAFTED DECKS, MEANT TO COMPRESS FLAWLESSLY, PAYING STOCK ONLY TO HEAL WHEN NEEDED. SO LONG TO THE FEELING OF NEVER GOING ABOVE 3/3 (OR IF YOURE SWAG NO TSUKAIMA, 2/3). HOWS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WHEN RYUUKO IS SHOVE ONE HALF OF A SCISSOR DOWN YOUR THROAT AND MAKING YOUR HEALS COST 8 STOCK.

FUCK

AT LEAST VS MY THEORETICAL SUPER FINISHER YOU HAVE THE CHANCE OF SURVIVAL, BUT ANTI-HEAL BASICALLY TURNS ANY OLD SCHOOL COMPRESSION DECK FROM AN IMPREGNABLE FORTRESS INTO GOATSE (DONT GOOGLE THIS PLS, AND IF U DO DONT SUE ME SUE LYCHEEBRO THANKS).

#9 DATE MASAMUNE

my favourite DC hero

my favourite DC hero

THE ARCHETYPICAL MANLY MAN’S MAN (FOR MEN). DATE MASAMUNE IS A GOD AMONGST LESSER GODS (BUT STILL A MAN AMONG THE CHRISTIAN CAPITAL-G GOD AND MOST ELDRICHT HORRORS). DATE IS A SHINING STAR AMONGST A PILE OF SHIT THAT IS SENGOKU NADEKO BASARA, A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH, IF YOU WILL. IN SHORT, HE WILL IMASCULATE YOU AND START YOU FRESH AS YOUR LIFE AS A EUNUCH. IN SHORTER, THE DUDE WILL CUT YOUR BALLS OFF. HE CLEARS THE WAY AND LOOSENS YOU UP BEFORE GETTING DEEP DEEP INSIDE. SURE THE DATE PLAYER DOESNT GET 3 ATTACKS, BUT IF YOU SLAM TWO OF THIS RUSSEL CROWE TIER BADASS, YOU GET TO HAND PICK 10 CARDS FROM THEIR DECK AND DO SOME WEEVIL UNDERWOOD SHIT. FUCKING, WORD UP. NOTHING MAKES ME WANNA KILL MYSELF MORE THAN MY GAMES GETTING STOLEN FROM YOU. SHOUTOUTS TO BARON VON YOLO FOR BEING A FUCKING CHEATERING SCUMBAG FUCKWAD WHO REALLY SHOULDNT BE ALIVE OR ALLOWED TO PLAY WEISS

#8 NISEKUCKS

clock kickYEAH YEAH, THIS CARD ISNT STELLAR, ACTUALLY IT MIGHT BE BAD, ACTUALLY, IT MIGHT CONTRIBUTE TO ITS OWNER’S LOSS, BUT IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER. IT NEVER FUCKING MATTERS, CAUSE IF THEY’RE RUNNING THIS SACK OF SHIT CARD, YOU KNOW THEYRE RUNNING THE QUEEN BEE OF UNFUN. RECTAL RAMPAGE REQUIEM QUEEN 3RD YEAR RUNNING, MARIQUA. IF THAT ISNT ENOUGH TO KILL YOURSELF, THEN I DONT KNOW WHAT IS.

#7 KUCK-I

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OK WHY ARE PEOPLE SO FUCKING STUPID? I MEAN REALLY? FUCKING. REALLY??!?!?!??!?/1/1/1/11!!?/2/3/2?~?/ HOLY FUCK PEOPLE OPEN YOUR EYES FIRST HE STEALS YOUR GIRL, THEN HE STEALS YOUR SOUL. I FEEL LIKE A TORTURED SOUL, WITH A SOUNDLESS VOICE AND NO ONE CAN HEAR ME. NO ONE CARES, NO ONE CARES THAT TIS MONSTER SHOULD BE DESTROYING WEISS SCHWARZ, AND THE ONLY REASON HES NOT IS BECAUSE NO ONE FUCKING RUNS HIM. WHAT THE FUCK GUYS, THIS CARD SAYS IT SHITS OUT FREE WINS, AND THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO FOR ME? YOU FUCKI9NG THROW AWAY CARDS THAT SAY “FREE WINS” BECAUSE OF YOUR SHITTY FUCKING LOLI-ASS VAMPIRE WAIFU??? YOURE FUCKING GROSS, ENJOY PRISON YOU FUCKING LOSER.

NUMBER 7 WAS A PRANK BRO, KAIKI DOESNT MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF, NOBODY RUNNING KAIKI WHEN THEY SHOULD IS WHAT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. FUCK

#6 FUCK YOU WHO CARES

OC DO NOT STEEL

OC DO NOT STEEL

CANCER BOYS, LITERAL CARCINOGENS TAKING OVER MY BODY, CAUSING MY CELLS TO TURN AGAINST MY OWN BODY, AND DESTROY ITSELF FROM THE INSIDE. FATE STAY NIGHT WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO RECIEVE A PLUS SOUL ASSIST, SOMETHING COMPLETELY BUSTED AND BANNED IN KANTAI, BUT ITS FAIR I GUESS IF ITS ONLY RESTRICTED TO CERTAIN CHARACTERS. OH, WAIT, THOSE CHARACTERS HAVE ACTUALLY GOOD CARDS AND MAKE A REALLY GREAT DECK WITH THEMSELVES? WELL, FUCK MY ASS AND COVER ME IN BAGGED MILK,  I’M FUCKING OVER THIS SHIT, DUDE. SHOULDA GIVEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO CU CHULAINN, BUTNO, YOU GIVE HIM A TOTALLY MEDICORE LEVEL ASSIST AND UH, WHAT WAS THAT OTHER THING HE HAS? OH YEAH LITERALLY FUCKING NOTHING. KICK A DOG WHILE HES DOWN. LITERALLY. FUCK THIS I HAVE SHIT TASTE ANYWAYS ADD ME ON FATE GO BTW (166649883). ARE YOU THE TYPE TO GO ON TILT BECAUASE YOUR OPPONENT IS A SACK AND DRAWS CLIMAXES, PLAYS THEM EVERY TURN, AND CANCELS? NOW THEY CAN FUCKING GET THE SOUL BONUS THAT CLIMAXES WOULD PROVIDE WITHOUT HAVING TO DRAW THEM (WHICH MEANS THEY CANCEL MORE, FEELIN SUICIDEY, YET?(IS SUICIDEY A WORD? WEBSTER 2017 HERE WE COME BOYS).

#5 SERIOUSLY RUN KAIKI LOOK AT THIS NEXT CARD

HEALING NOT ALLOUD

HEALING NOT ALLOUD

REMEMBER WHEN I MADE THAT RANT ARTICLE ABOUT INDEX AND THE DOPE AF ANGLE THAT BLESSES YOU WITH MANY HEALS AND LIVLIHOOD AND WHATEVER ELSE. YEAH ITS BACK AGAIN, THIS TIME AS THE VILLAIN? WHATS WORSE THAN DEALING 28 DAMAGE TO WIN THE GAME? HOW ABOUT 30? 32? 34? THIRTY-GODFORSAKENINGLYFUCKINGAWFUL-SIX? EVEN MORE BECAUSE THE DECK RUNS HEALERS TOO? IF YOU THINK INDEX ISNT BROKEN BECAUSE IT DOENST TOTE THE FINISHING POWER OF A SACK OF YAMS, YOURE BAD AND NEVER PLAYED AGAINST A GUY WHO JUST DRAWS ALL OF HIS HEALING MAGICS. LITERALLY, ALL OF THEM. HEALING? OK. HEALING 2 WITH ONE CARD? LESS OK. HEALING 2 ON A BACK-UP WHEN 2 DIFFERENT NON-BACK UP HEAL 2 EVENTS ARE NOT BANNED. WHAT IN THE FUCKING SHIT LORD DUDE HAHA. GOOD THING NO ONE RUNS KAIKI SO I CAN FARM THESE FREE WINS AND MAKE OTHER PEOPLE SUICIDEY.

FUCK OF U LIL CUNT

FUCK OF U LIL CUNT

#4 WANG SLAYER

LAHARLOH HEY, ANOTHER CARD THAT WAS A CENTER PIECE OF ONE OF MY ARTICLES. THIS CARD IS A PLUS 5 IN EXCHANGE FOR 1 CARD AND 1 DAMAGE AT THE ABSOLUTE BEST, AND BECAUSE IM ME IM GOING TO TALK ABOUT LIKE ITS ALWAYS AT ITS ABSOLUTE BEST. IM FUCKING SORRY I CANT PLAY BIGGER BACKROWS AT LEVEL 1. IM FUCKING SORRY I CRUTCH HARD ON BRAINSTORMS TO COMPENSATE FOR A LACK OF RESOURCE MANAGEMENT SKILLS. DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON LAHARL AND MAO WITH THIS CARD. WHO EVER THOUGH 1/0 COSTLESS PLUSSING 8KS WERE FAIR? CLEARLY KIDANI. I HOPE THAT GUY GOES TO LITERAL PRISON. YOU DONT EVEN NEED KAIKI WHEN YOU PLAY THIS CARD, ITS NOT LIKE THERES 3K BACK UPS FLOATING AROUND WAITING TO CREEP UP YOUR ASS.

NAH

NAH

#3 PAINFUL CHOICE

painful

IF YOU SEE THIS CARD, YOU KNOW YOURE BONED. THIS CARD HAS A LOT OF FANCY TEXT BUT WHAT IT ACTUALLY SAYS IS, “YOUR OPPONENT PROBABLY WON, AND YOU PROBABLY LOSE, SCOOP IT UP FUCCBOI”. IN ITS HAYDAY YOU SEARCHED 2 DARKS, 2 LIGHTS, AND A SINISTER SERPENT BECAUSE THAT SET UP WAS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL. TIHS CARD WAS INFACT, NOT A PAINFUL CHOICE, CAUSE YOU WERE AR EAL RETARD IF YOU DIDNT GIVE THEM THE SERPENT. THIS CARD WAS ALSO NOT A PAINFUL CHOICE, CAUSE NO MATTER WHAT 5 CARDS THEY GOT AND WHATEVER CARD YOU GAVE THEM, YOU WERE FUCKED 5 WAYS TO SUNDAY. ONE OF THOSE DARKS WAS PROBABLY DARK MAGICIAN OF CHAOS, AND YOU PROBABLY HAD THE REBORN TO BRING HIM BACK AND GET BACK THE REBORN. THEN THEY SUMMON THEIR BROKEN ASS CHAOS MONSTER, AND THEN GO TO TOWN ON YOUR ASS. EVEN IN A MODERN SETTING THIS CARD WOULD BE BONKADONK BROKEN CAUSE KONAMI JUST CANT STOP PRINTING CARDS THAT SAY “YO DUDE IM SO GOOD IN THE GRAVE CHECK IT”. BREAKTHROUGH SKILL, PLAGUESPREADER ZOMBIE, GALAXY CYCLONE, MEZUKI, ANYTHING WITH “INFERNOID” IN THE NAME, GLOW UP BULB. THE LIST IS PRETTY FUCKING LONG, AND IF THAT WAS ALL A BUNCH OF GOBBLE-DE-GUCK, THEN GOOD, YOURE BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING ABOUT THE HORRORS OF REALLY SWEET YUGIOH CARDS.

runner up: pendulum summoning 1.0

runner up: pendulum summoning 1.0

 

#2 TRUE DESPAIR

maruchan ramen, now flavoured with YOUR TEARS

maruchan ramen, now flavoured with YOUR TEARS

THIS VIDEO IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE STOCK-SWAPPED. DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE THE BUILD A MODEST EMPIRE? A MONUMENT TO YOUR SUCCESSES AND CONQUESTS? YOUR MODEST PILE OF STOCK THAT IS A TRIBUTE TO YOUR COMPRESSION, HOW BIG WAS IT? 9 CARDS? 12 CARDS? MAYBE MORE? ALL CLEAN AND BEAUTIFUL. THEN, ONE DAY, ITS LIKE WIKILEAKS TOLD EVERYONE YOUR SECRETS OR SOME SHIT, CAUSE THE HAMMER COMES DOWN.

“Pay 1, stock swap.”

YOUR OPPONENT SAYS, AND THEN YOU FEEL TRUE DESPAIR. TRUE FUCKING KAIJI LEVEL SHIT DUDE, THE REAL DEAL, CAUSE YOU COUNT YOUR STOCK, THEN YOUR DECK. 13 IN STOCK, 15 IN DECK, 6 CLIMAXES IN DECK. THEY ATTACK FOR 1, YOU TAKE IT, THEY ATTACK FOR 1 AGAIN AND TRIGGER, YOU CANCEL ON ONE, BUT ITS YOUR LAST CARD IN YOUR DECK, YOU ARE SPARED THAT DAMAGE BUT THE CLIMAX IS IN REFRESH ZONE. YOU ARE REFRESHING WITH 1 CLIMAX, YOURE CRYING, YOU FEEL LIKE WITH SOME LUCK YOU CAN BE SPARED. YOURE FEELING LUCKY.

THEN YOU REFRESH THE ONE CLIMAX YOU REFRESHED WITH AND THEN YOU ACTUALLYJ UST PICK UP YOUR CARDS AND REPORT YOUR GAME AS A LOST TO THE T.O.

YOU SELL YOUR DECK ON FOREIGN, YOU CUT ALL TIES WITH YOUR CARD GAME FRIENDS, WEISS OR NOT. YOURE NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN AND YOURE HAUNTED EVERY NIGHT BY THE PICTURE OF THE EVENT THEY USED TO BREAK YOUR SOUL.

DO YOU REALLY WANT THE WEIGHT OF BREAKING A MAN’S SOUL LIKE THAT? MAYBE IF YOURE OLD MAN PEANUT-NOSE SURE, BUT THATS NOT DIRT I WANT ON MY HANDS.

#1 TWO SCOOPS OF GRADE A JAILBAIT WHOOPASS

ALSO FLAVOURED WITH YOUR TEARS

THAT’S HAAGEN DAZ, ALSO FLAVORED WITH YOUR TEARS

DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS BITCH IS? I LIKE TO CALL HER 16 SCOOPS OF DEATH. WHY? CAUSE THOSE SCOOPS RANDOMLY ASEXUALLY REPRODUCE AND QUADRUPLE, AND THEN THEY FORCE THEMSLEVES INTO ANY AND EVERY ORIFICE YOU HAVE. DO-DAI IS THE HIGHEST TIER OF PLUS 2 SOUL DECK, BECAUSE ITS A WELL OILED MACHINE. ITS NOT A DECK RANDOMLY RUNNING 2 SOULS EFFECTIVELY LIKE LITTLE BUSTED, ITS DESIGNED TO JUST DO ONE SINGLE THING, SLAM AS MANY DO-DAIS AS POSSIBLE. THERE IS NO FUN, THERE IS NO STRATEGY, THERE IS NO MERCY, ONLY MAMI. AND HELL. LOTS OF HELL. I ONCE HATED PEOPLE AND MYSELF SO I PLAYED DO-DAI, I HAVE GONE ON RECORD PLAYING THE CLIMAX SIX TURNS IN A ROW. DO YOU REALIZE HOW DUMB THAT IS? THATS 36 EXTRA POTENTIAL DAMAGE FROM ATTACKING, WITH A FUCKING CLIMAX COMBO THAT PRODUCES ITS OWN ATTACKERS. NO MESS, NO WORRIES, JUST CUT COPY PASTE, REPEAT. THE ONLY CHOICES YOU MAKE IN THE DECK ARE AS FOLLOWS

  1. A) DO I SEARCH MY DECK, OR GRAVEYARD FIRST FOR MY MAMIS
  2. B) DO I PLAY MY NEAR MINT DO-DAI, OR MY DO-DAI WITH LIGHT PLAYEAR
  1. DO I PLACE MY MAMIS FROM RIGHT TO LEFT, OR LEFT TO RIGHT
  1. DO I DO, OR DAI.

IF YOUR OPPONENT IS PLAYING THIS DECK, THEY ARE SOULLESS AND POTENTIALLY EVEN A ZOMBIE, OR A GHOUL OF SOME KIND. FEEL FREE TO MURDER THEM VERY VIOLENTLY BEFORE THEY CAN INFLICT THIS EVIL DECK ON YOU (CAUSE THEN IF THEY DO YOU’LL WANNA KILL YOURSELF AND THIS MURDER IS IN SELF DEFENSE OR SELF PRESERVATION OR WHATEVER ITS YOUR RIGHT AS A HUMAN BEING)

SO YEAH THATS MY VERY CONCISE LIST OF DANK NASTY SHIT THAT YOU SHOULDNT DO BECAUSE YOUR OPPONENT MIGHT KILL THEMSELF. OR MAYBE YOU DO DO THEM BECAUE YOU WANT YOUR OPPONENT TO KILL THEMSELF? OKAY NOW IM CONFUSED WHY DID I FUCKING RIGHT THIS ARTICLE FUCK.

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR WHEN I BREAK DOWN THE TOP 10 CLICKABLE QUALITIES OF CLICKBAIT CONTENT, AND UNTIL THEM, KEEP THEM BUTTS OPEN, AND THEM COCONUTS PROTECTED.

UNCLE BUTTS, OUT.

About lycheepunnet

the victim in an abusive relationship with cardboard
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